I speak, of course, of judicial favouritism. If months of painstaking work have taught me anything, it’s that people are not going to just sit back and ignore such an injustice as Paris Hilton going to prison. In my America of the Future, celebrities will not be penalized for anything regardless of how guilty they are. Paris Hilton could go on as many drunken benders as she wished. O.J. Simpson could finally admit that he did it and go back to his normal life of driving over people with his golf cart.

Nobody even listened to the warnings, though. There were numerous warnings, made by serious professionals who actually wasted time and money to think about this, to the effect that if someone stuck Paris Hilton in a women’s prison, she would probably come out dead. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but imagine if it were somebody significant, like Dolly Parton. At her weight she would probably fall over, and there would be nobody in her cell to help her up until her sentence was over and they discovered that she had biologically devolved into an extension of the concrete floor. Also, what if you sent in William Hung, or some other notoriously tone-deaf celebrity? Can you imagine how many suicides they would have if he started playing the harmonica? Admittedly I would also have to pardon Charles Manson, who has become a bit of a celebrity himself, but it’s a small price to pay to get our celebrities out of jail and back where they should be: rehab.

This isn’t to say we should let these guys repeatedly break the law. We could just assign them little repeat business cards, like those you get at Subway that give you a free sandwich for every ten sandwiches you buy, with the obvious exception that the celebrity cards would not wedge themselves in an out-of-the-way pocket in your wallet, fall out without you noticing while you’re paying the snotty kid at the drive-thru, get run over by the next customer so that it sticks to the grooves in their tires, and driven 500 miles to some remote region to the north where it falls off and gets eaten by someone’s pet yak. Lindsay Lohan is a good example. Every time the cops pull her over, she can just flash her Frequent Offender card (or her private parts) and the police officer will begin to stroke off little symbols with a permanent marker.

(“All right, ma’am. So, I’ve had to cross off two wine bottles, a syringe, and a flattened pedestrian. Be careful out there, though. That means you’ve only got four drunk drivings, one illicit substance, a car bombing and seven precipitated murders left.”)

At this point you might be saying, “Don’t that seem a lil’ nuts? If we can’t done lock up our celebrities, how’s we gonna get rid of people like Carrot Top and Taylor Hicks?” I picture you saying this in the voice of a surprised hillbilly trying to change the subject after being caught naked with a sheep.

Well, I have a plan for that, too. All we have to do is lure someone like Shania Twain out of the country, and then, while she’s on the plane, covert American stewardesses will set fire to her passport. Also, maybe they’ll redirect the plane to some remote tropical island without a recording studio, just to be on the safe side. This plan will only be used in worst-case scenarios, such as when a celebrity has not been paying his or her taxes. More realistically, the only penalty we could impose on celebrities that just plain annoy us is the issuing of incredibly difficult challenges, which the celebrity much complete, Messiah-like, to prove that they are worthy of the Celebrity Treatment. The penalty for this would be a lifetime in prison for Annoyance Causing a Breach of the Peace, and they would be forced to scavenge around for their own food to the point where their diet technically classifies them as some sort of cement mixer. Each challenge would be tailor-made for a specific celebrity based on how much I hate them. Nicole Richie, for example, would merely have to bathe, with her eyeballs taped open, in a vat of pig waste. Ordinarily I wouldn’t suggest legislation so cruel, but there’s always been a part of me that wanted to see Fantasia Burrino catch a bullet with her teeth.

This is just one of the brilliant ideas I am going to be inflicting upon you in the coming year, and you had better damn well vote me in this time or I’m moving to North Korea to become chief weapons tester and you just might get in the way. So vote for the weasel, friends, or else you KNOW what you will get!